Sometimes i wonder, out loud, to myself, or even to a book i may be reading at the time.
i wonder about god. one of the biggest mysteries of all, to me anyway.
i wonder how a child can go from being perfectly healthy to spending the rest of thier life in a hospital room. And how god expects the parents of that child to keep thier faith in him while he allows their perfect little angel to slipp away in the night.
i wonder why thier are careless 14 year old girls getting pregnant when your best friend who has tried her heart out will never bare a child. how god lets that be okay, because the fact that he gave us life and could take it way at any moment makes his will greater than ours.
i wonder how children can be born into a family full of abuse, drugs, and sex and can grow up to be the most amazing people of our time. to go on and save lives and write books about thier grief and pain and mourning to show the world full of people just like them there is hope. that things do get better if you try hard enough.
i wonder how comitting suicide or being gay can cause you to be eternaly damned. Dont you think the forgiving god we have all come to know and love would somehow look past this and allow more of his beautiful children into heaven?
i wonder why god gave us hearts so fragile when he knew how easily we would brake them. giving them to people who would not handle them with care, in the end for them to decide its no longer good enough and to throw it away. do you not think God was just asking for the human race to be suicidle. thinking just because someone wrote a book saying God loved us dearly meant all the pain and heartache we would indure made it hurt any less?
i wonder how a person so filled with organs, love, blood, hope, water, cells, and bones could feel so incredibly empty sometimes. god asks us to ask him into our hearts and we wont be empty or lonely anymore, he thinks its that easy. well its not. you cant see him, you can pretend to feel him, to hear him when in reality its all you. its you hoping and wishiing and believe so badly in something you make it true!
i wonder why at night the sun goes away so the moon and the stars can come out. one so blinding and beautiful you cant look right at it. the other so pale and miraculous you could stare at it for hours. wishing you were the stars, shining so bright that from millions of miles away and decades later people are still talking about you, seeing you. to know at any moment gravity could give way and you and the world would come crashing into eachother. life as we know it ending in a beautiful explosin of color. people from all over grabbing onto thier loved ones giving them one last kiss goodbye and waiting to be taken to the heaven thier religion promised them.
i wonder why i go through my day to day actions searching for something i may never find. searching to fill the void in my soul. some people tell me the void is me not having found God yet. i dont believe that. honestly i dont know what i believe. i jsut know ill keep looking for it until i dont have to look anymore. untill im full again. if i ever was in the first place.
