of hating you.
in fact im just tired.
im worn out and beat down by life.
and the things im expecting and looking forward to
never turn out right.
its a slap in the face everytime.
i've been feeling good but its like the
moment one thing goes wrong
i cant take it.
i just cant take it =(
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
all i can say is
i just dont have the words. and i cant even explain it out loud.
its so frustrating, i need to understand this but i dont know how.
i had a dream she saved me now all i want to do is sleep to get that feeling back.
its so frustrating, i need to understand this but i dont know how.
i had a dream she saved me now all i want to do is sleep to get that feeling back.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
.....
why must good things always go bad?
i was getting happy again, like the reall kind of happy.
im so tired of god and his stupid games.
i dont believe he even exists anymore, its ridiculously stupid to believe
someone/something created us and is that "strong" and "powerful" and can't, oh
excuse me, wont stop all this bad stuff that happens.
there's no excuse its cruel.
im done.
i was getting happy again, like the reall kind of happy.
im so tired of god and his stupid games.
i dont believe he even exists anymore, its ridiculously stupid to believe
someone/something created us and is that "strong" and "powerful" and can't, oh
excuse me, wont stop all this bad stuff that happens.
there's no excuse its cruel.
im done.
birthdays
so friday i turned 18.
im not sure but i believe that is supposed to be somewhat of a mile stone in my life.
i dont feel it.
the total "happy birthdays" i got was 5.
now some people may think thats sad but the people i heard it from
i know really care about me.
it wasnt one of those things where i had to say it was my birthday they just remembered.
it was a really good day and now that i think about it
i have not been sad in awhile. atleast not that gut wrenching cry yourself to sleep kind of sad.
im getting better and that gives me hope.
im not sure but i believe that is supposed to be somewhat of a mile stone in my life.
i dont feel it.
the total "happy birthdays" i got was 5.
now some people may think thats sad but the people i heard it from
i know really care about me.
it wasnt one of those things where i had to say it was my birthday they just remembered.
it was a really good day and now that i think about it
i have not been sad in awhile. atleast not that gut wrenching cry yourself to sleep kind of sad.
im getting better and that gives me hope.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
think it up
Sometimes i wonder, out loud, to myself, or even to a book i may be reading at the time.
i wonder about god. one of the biggest mysteries of all, to me anyway.
i wonder how a child can go from being perfectly healthy to spending the rest of thier life in a hospital room. And how god expects the parents of that child to keep thier faith in him while he allows their perfect little angel to slipp away in the night.
i wonder why thier are careless 14 year old girls getting pregnant when your best friend who has tried her heart out will never bare a child. how god lets that be okay, because the fact that he gave us life and could take it way at any moment makes his will greater than ours.
i wonder how children can be born into a family full of abuse, drugs, and sex and can grow up to be the most amazing people of our time. to go on and save lives and write books about thier grief and pain and mourning to show the world full of people just like them there is hope. that things do get better if you try hard enough.
i wonder how comitting suicide or being gay can cause you to be eternaly damned. Dont you think the forgiving god we have all come to know and love would somehow look past this and allow more of his beautiful children into heaven?
i wonder why god gave us hearts so fragile when he knew how easily we would brake them. giving them to people who would not handle them with care, in the end for them to decide its no longer good enough and to throw it away. do you not think God was just asking for the human race to be suicidle. thinking just because someone wrote a book saying God loved us dearly meant all the pain and heartache we would indure made it hurt any less?
i wonder how a person so filled with organs, love, blood, hope, water, cells, and bones could feel so incredibly empty sometimes. god asks us to ask him into our hearts and we wont be empty or lonely anymore, he thinks its that easy. well its not. you cant see him, you can pretend to feel him, to hear him when in reality its all you. its you hoping and wishiing and believe so badly in something you make it true!
i wonder why at night the sun goes away so the moon and the stars can come out. one so blinding and beautiful you cant look right at it. the other so pale and miraculous you could stare at it for hours. wishing you were the stars, shining so bright that from millions of miles away and decades later people are still talking about you, seeing you. to know at any moment gravity could give way and you and the world would come crashing into eachother. life as we know it ending in a beautiful explosin of color. people from all over grabbing onto thier loved ones giving them one last kiss goodbye and waiting to be taken to the heaven thier religion promised them.
i wonder why i go through my day to day actions searching for something i may never find. searching to fill the void in my soul. some people tell me the void is me not having found God yet. i dont believe that. honestly i dont know what i believe. i jsut know ill keep looking for it until i dont have to look anymore. untill im full again. if i ever was in the first place.
i wonder about god. one of the biggest mysteries of all, to me anyway.
i wonder how a child can go from being perfectly healthy to spending the rest of thier life in a hospital room. And how god expects the parents of that child to keep thier faith in him while he allows their perfect little angel to slipp away in the night.
i wonder why thier are careless 14 year old girls getting pregnant when your best friend who has tried her heart out will never bare a child. how god lets that be okay, because the fact that he gave us life and could take it way at any moment makes his will greater than ours.
i wonder how children can be born into a family full of abuse, drugs, and sex and can grow up to be the most amazing people of our time. to go on and save lives and write books about thier grief and pain and mourning to show the world full of people just like them there is hope. that things do get better if you try hard enough.
i wonder how comitting suicide or being gay can cause you to be eternaly damned. Dont you think the forgiving god we have all come to know and love would somehow look past this and allow more of his beautiful children into heaven?
i wonder why god gave us hearts so fragile when he knew how easily we would brake them. giving them to people who would not handle them with care, in the end for them to decide its no longer good enough and to throw it away. do you not think God was just asking for the human race to be suicidle. thinking just because someone wrote a book saying God loved us dearly meant all the pain and heartache we would indure made it hurt any less?
i wonder how a person so filled with organs, love, blood, hope, water, cells, and bones could feel so incredibly empty sometimes. god asks us to ask him into our hearts and we wont be empty or lonely anymore, he thinks its that easy. well its not. you cant see him, you can pretend to feel him, to hear him when in reality its all you. its you hoping and wishiing and believe so badly in something you make it true!
i wonder why at night the sun goes away so the moon and the stars can come out. one so blinding and beautiful you cant look right at it. the other so pale and miraculous you could stare at it for hours. wishing you were the stars, shining so bright that from millions of miles away and decades later people are still talking about you, seeing you. to know at any moment gravity could give way and you and the world would come crashing into eachother. life as we know it ending in a beautiful explosin of color. people from all over grabbing onto thier loved ones giving them one last kiss goodbye and waiting to be taken to the heaven thier religion promised them.
i wonder why i go through my day to day actions searching for something i may never find. searching to fill the void in my soul. some people tell me the void is me not having found God yet. i dont believe that. honestly i dont know what i believe. i jsut know ill keep looking for it until i dont have to look anymore. untill im full again. if i ever was in the first place.
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